Applemama

Failure

Ive been so busy and lazy at the same time since my last entry but i finally have a minute to share my life.

I have to say, it’s never seemed harder. Everyday i wake up and i realize nothings changed for the better. I wake up from a happy dream to find myself in the same shit situation.

I got a fulltime job at Dunkin Donuts. I feel like a normal human being with a job again. Of course, now that im 7 months into my pregnancy it’s really tough. But it’s something that makes the days pass quicker to the day I meet my baby apple.

APPLE. Gender is still unknown. My boyfriend wanted it to be a surprise as if apple itself isn’t enough of a surprise.

Names. I’m still looking for names of course. I didnt think it would be this hard. Im all ears for suggestions.

Girls- magdalena apple webb, madison apple etc. kristina. Hubby likes emily. I dont! If its a boy im really not prepared to name him. Hubby likes Benjamin Michael Webb, BMW… and im not sure i can change his mind. I like benjamin but i wouldn’t be too jolly if people called him BEN! ew.

In other news. I am officially single.. but I can’t seem to get that through my head. It makes me feel better disregarding reality. My boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore. I’m sure ill understand soon enough. I just don’t remember what life’s like without him as the love of my life. I feel like a failure as a parent already and the baby hasnt even had his first breath. I keep hoping and praying that we’ll be together.. but if I keep thinking that I think my depression will OD once I realize it will never be like that.

Yes. DEPRESSION.

I never knew depression until pregnancy hit. I wish the people who arent pregnant around me could understand how powerful their words are. I bursted into tears 3 times yesterday at work… just thinking about what my hubby had to say to me about us… then when i got home I couldn’t even come down stairs cuz I didnt want my mom to see me upset. I spent the whole night in my room. at one point i couldnt stop crying cuz i remembered this song that fit so perfectly.. and i couldnt get it out of my head. I ran into the shower to calm down.. cool off. it worked for about 20 minutes. ugh if only i could control my feelings. i wish i didnt give a shit.

Ive never wanted anything so much in my entire 20 years than to be with this man.. i’ve lost all control because I listen to my heart and my brain just left my body or so it feels like it. I never thought he’d leave me at a time like this.

I only wanted this baby because it’s his. Its the man i love, the man i’d do anything for. Now its just me. and the baby. and the man that gave up on us.

I wish I knew what to do. I can’t cry. Apple is upset with me. He’s upset with his father. sounds pretty dumb but I can tell. when we were together no matter what, he had his regular pattern everyday, kicking, hiccups etc. Now that were not together.. the kicks are mild.. rare and anxious. Yesterday he didnt move all day really.. until my house caught on fire and there was nothing to breathe but smoke so I guess that disturbed him. (but thats another blog entry) good night.

A little history, a little knowledge never hurt anyone.

Now let me tell you a little bit about myself. I was born in Russia, moved to the states at almost 7. I come from a land that has very strong beliefs and not many things are tolerated, not by the government, I mean by the people themselves. In my country mixed race couples; particularly blacks and whites, Muslims and Christians, are more than looked down on. They’re a disturbance to society. Also Russia is a very democracy-based country, Fuck what you heard on the news! I know what really goes on. Some European Gay Pride Festival wanted to throw a parade in the Red Square in Moscow. The government agreed letting them know that a Neo-Nazi activism parade was going to go down right along side it. That’s just the way my culture is. My society would not let that happen in The Red Square! It’s never been “ok to be gay” and it never will be, not in Russia. Feel free to exercise your rights, but be warned your life is at stake. I am not at all against the gay community; in fact I really don’t care much what your sexual orientation is so keep it to yourself. I’m just throwing this out there in case you find me offensive. A piece of mind never hurt anyone.

I love my people and my country, even though the last 13 years of my life I’ve been in New Jersey. I still give a shit what happens there and visit every once in a while. I know Russia hasn’t always been the best at everything but she sure as hell tried when the right people were in office. Same goes for any country, even America.

English was my second language. I speak it fluently. I only had a chance to go to 1st grade in Russia. That was enough time for me to learn how to read, write and get some long division in as well. Yes, all in 1st grade. The school system doesn’t mess around. That’s why there’s only 10 grades total. I would have definitely been a smarter person if I graduated from a Russian school. In the end, I’m thankful for what I have and what I am today.

My mother, she’s a tough one, but she doesn’t know how glad I am she annoyed the hell out of my childhood, drilling Russian into my brain everyday and sending me to Russian school every Saturday. I, to this day, speak fluently, read and write this not-so-easy language. I am the oldest in my family. My brothers were both born here and still my mom won’t let our culture leave the house. My 11 year old brother can fluently speak, read and write as well.

There’s just one tiny problem, this baby that I’m bringing into the world has a Republican America-loving father that I am so in love with. He clearly doesn’t understand what teaching my culture to my kin means to me. 

We live in America, “We speak English! There’s no need for Russian.” He even says silly little things like, “I don’t want you guys keeping secrets from me.” He’s not even joking!

That’s where he’s so wrong. My relatives in Russia would love to be able to speak to my American baby. Being an American, doesn’t mean FORGET YOUR CULTURE! Everyone “came off the boat” and some chose to teach their kids what their parents taught them. Others wanted to forget all about it. There’s always an excuse.

Of course, Apple will be an American. He will see everything in English, he will hear almost everyone speak English, and he’ll do his homework in English. I got that. I went through the same thing. And I kept my heritage, and I will fight to pass it on.

Give it another try

Im so frustrated. I can’t seem to work anything out. Why is something so simple so hard to achieve? I see the light in the dark tunnel. Its close.. or maybe it isn’t.

On the grayest day, such as today, I fear it’s just an illusion. I’m stuck in the dessert with no water striving to get to the nearest water source. When I feel like I’m almost there, reality bites me in the ass. I’m no where near the solution. I’m just a silly girl with a vivid imagination. FML.

Men are just so ignorant. Everythings a joke. Nothing is real. Well, this is pretty real to me. There’s a part of both of us growing inside me. I’m the one swallowing my pride, praying for a happy family. Every brawl is swept under the rug and we pretend like nothing happened. I’ll give it another try. I don’t give up on something good that easy. I love him and he’s a good man. I have a feeling he’ll be a good father. Right now, I have no better options. Some people just need more time.

Mommy Blog Collective

the-activista:

Today, I went to the OB/GYN with an expectant friend. She confessed that she was looking for an outlet to talk about her child, and her pregnancy, and I urged her to start a mommy blog.

These blogs are the cusp of something very radical; they’re honest, blunt, and often disillusioning- these mothers are not always happy, are not always beaming, and often wish the job of parenting was slightly easier. By depicting the truth about motherhood, mommy blogs have the ability to challenge notions of motherhood as something simplistic and based in “nature,” and restructure it to depict it as a task to be mastered, an art to be perfected, a work and a study always in motion.

By giving mothers the power to share their stories, connect with others, and let the internet world inside of their lives, mommy blogs have made mothers a visible part of the blogosphere and, by extension, the dialogues occurring on the internet each day. Mothers finally have voices outside of the house, the playground, and the schoolyard.

And so, a collective. (I am a fan of these.)

Mom Blogs: Hipster Mom | Mom-Blog | Silicon Valley Moms Blog | FamilyLife 

Articles on the rise of Mommy Blogging:

Pro Blogger: Five Reasons Why Mom Blogs Are The Blogs to Watch

BlogHer:  Mommy Blogs

The Examiner takes on Single Mom Blogs

CNET: Do Mommy Bloggers Need to Grow Up?

AP: Finding Fame with Blogs

Submit more mommy blogs with a comment or an e-mail to theactivista@gmail.com!

Beating Heart Baby

I like to believe that I am a strong-willed woman, a smart one, (usually) and optimistic.. which makes any person beautiful. With enough hope and persistance any goal is possible to achieve. My goal at the moment is to become an adult quick, fast and in a hurry. I’ve made it half way through my pregnancy… i can go another 4 1/2 months. Believe it or not I’m actually looking foward to it.

Growing up? well I can’t promise that, but what I can promise is to be the best mother I can be. My goal is set and I bought two great books at Border’s today to help me along the way. I can’t wait to read them! I don’t know why but I’m super curious to find out everything I need to know about mommyhood.

There’s several issues that I’m currently dealing with. I don’t consider pregnancy an issue anymore; that was the first trimester. It’s rather a blessing. My first issue was getting insured which took 2 months.. after I found out about my situation.

I finally went to see my OB/GYN August . He assured me everything was fine and scheduled an ultrasound on my 20th week. I can’t wait to see my “apple”. The most memorable moment during my appointment was hearing my apple’s heart beat. So precious. My boyfriend didnt come to my appointment which brings up my other problem…him.

My due date is January 9th, 2010. This January will mark our 3 year anniversary. Or so I hope… ill finish later

5 Reasons To Stay With The Person You Love

franklieu:

1. Love is a Decision

Watching Governor Sanford stand up over these past weeks and speak about how he found his soul mate in his Argentinean lover reminded me of something Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun and author, wrote about Sweat Lodges. She wrote that the only way to be in a Sweat Lodge — to experience all that it brings — is to sit far from the exit. Because if you sit too close, you will find a reason to use it. The same is true of any long-term relationship. If you decide to look for an exit, you will always be able to find it: whether it comes in the form of another lover, or another life. But the couples I spoke with who decided to commit to their marriages and relationships — to be present for them, to help them grow more sacred — told me that they were immeasurably rewarded for that decision. The more committed they grew to their marriages — the further they sat from the exit — the more joy and peace they found there.

2. There is No Weakness in Forgiveness

I’m not happy anymore; or I’m disappointed; or I have doubts. Three familiar catch phrases that free us up to not work to bring a relationship back to a positive place. In fact, we are conditioned these days to believe that the brave thing is to move on when the honeymoon is over. But that very standard makes it hard for any long-term relationship to survive inevitable disappointments. While some would argue that it is brave to pick up and start a new life when a relationship begins to ebb, the truly brave thing — the hard and valuable thing — is to figure out how to find a new flow together. As one couple, who is happily married after 40 years together, informed me, “The most invaluable gifts come on the other side of the bad periods. If we hadn’t forgiven each other for the hard times, we never would have experienced such good ones.”

3. Someone New Won’t be New For Long

One factor is consistent in all studies of marriages and long-term relationships: A main cause of divorce and separation is infidelity. Those that stray (statistically, women as much as men these days) cite many factors as reasons: a breakdown in passion, a breakdown in communication, a breakdown…

But statistics also tell us that the chance of a relationship born from infidelity being successful is less than 1 in 100. Less than 1%. More often than not, the best thing someone new has going for him or her is being … new. And, once they aren’t anymore, you are left in an even more precarious position. Whoever you choose — it always comes down to one thing. How hard are you willing to fight to make the relationship work? How easily are you willing to give your relationship away?

4. Often the Person You Are Running From is You

Surprisingly, of all the reasons couples gave me for why they chose to end their marriage or relationship, the loss of love or mutual friendship was often notably absent. It often came down to something else: the desire to start a new life. To not grow old. Or, at least, to not feel like they were. It is difficult to stay with the person who knows you best when you don’t like what we see in the mirror. It may be easier to blame your partner than to take a hard look at yourself. But, at the end of the day, it isn’t your partner’s responsibility to change your self-image, or to fix your self-doubt. It’s yours. And, if we want to like ourselves better, running out on a person who likes us the way we are isn’t a wise starting point.

5. You Don’t Need a Reason

Like anything worth having in this life, marriage and long-term commitment are hard work. Sometimes knowing that can be enough to help us not pick at the scabs while they are healing, to not make things worse as opposed to letting them feel better. As a lovely couple in Seattle Washington reminded me, things will feel better. “Be good to each other, be patient. If you allow it, love always lives through that.”

(source)

Help! I’m Alive…

18 weeks prego today! Happy Birthday “apple”!

Struggling to get insurance for the last 2 months, I’ve been worried about the peanut growing inside my body. Oblivious of 2 missed periods, I found out I was a new mommy at 7 weeks.

I had a feeling… my boyfriend disregarded it.

I didn’t want to believe it but with every drag, and every pack I smoked I felt sicker.

My friend finally dragged me to Pathmark to grab a glow stick. And guess what it said…

Here I was, 19 years old party animal with a baby. I cried into my pillow for 2 days and finally decided to grow up. Guilty! I smoked 3 more cigarettes to help my depression no matter how repulsed I was (it helped?),before I realized how selfish I was being.

I’ve been dating my hubby for 2 & half years. I had to break the news.

“I quit smoking…”

He laughs recalling the numerous times I’ve tried unsuccessfully.

Silence.

“Are you pregnant?” smirk…

and then I broke down crying into his shirt.

“Everything will be ok. I promise…”